The Double Empathy Problem, Explained for Parents
The old story said autistic people lack empathy. The double empathy problem tells a truer one: understanding breaks down in both directions.
For decades, the dominant story about autism was that autistic people struggle to understand others. The double empathy problem turns that story around — and once you see it, you cannot unsee how much it changes.
The short answer
The double empathy problem, described by autistic academic Damian Milton in 2012, proposes that the communication gap between autistic and non-autistic people runs in both directions. It is not that autistic people fail to understand; it is that two different ways of experiencing the world struggle to read each other. The breakdown is mutual.
Why it matters for your child
If the problem is a mismatch rather than a deficit, the solution is not to drill your child into performing a neurotypical style at great personal cost. It is to build a bridge from both ends — you learning their language, them learning yours, and the world being asked to meet them partway.
What this looks like in practice
- Treat your child’s communication as valid, even when it is unconventional.
- Notice where you are expecting them to do all the translating, and take some of it back.
- Connect on their terms — through their interests, their pace, their channels.
- Push back, gently, on settings that frame your child as the only one who must adapt.
What the research says
Since 2012, the double empathy idea has been supported by studies such as Catherine Crompton’s work showing that autistic people often transfer information to one another at least as effectively as non-autistic people do — and that mixed groups, not autistic people alone, are where rapport drops. Empathy, it turns out, was never the thing in short supply.
Your child is not failing to meet you. You are meeting in a language neither of you was handed.
Frequently asked
- What is the double empathy problem?
- It is the idea that communication difficulties between autistic and non-autistic people are mutual — each struggles to read the other — rather than a one-sided deficit in autistic people. It was described by autistic researcher Damian Milton in 2012.
- Does this mean autistic children do have empathy?
- Yes. The theory reframes the issue as a mismatch in communication styles, not a lack of empathy. Autistic people often connect easily with one another.
- Why does this matter for parenting?
- It shifts the goal from making your child ‘communicate normally’ to building mutual understanding — and it invites you to learn your child’s language, not only to teach them yours.
Take it further
Courses related to this insight
Begin before you're ready.
One course. No commitment. Start here.